Ending My Silence: Why I Married A Woman

If ignorance is the basis to what leads to hate, I want to clear up as much as I am able in regards to why I chose to marry a woman, after once being married to a man. My underlying hope in this disclosure will be to invoke deeper understanding into the humanness of us all regardless of sexual orientation.

It is my fundamental belief that all of us share the common desire to be loved, cherished and respected.

But first let me share that as I sit in the relative comfort of my home in this very moment typing these words, I am surrounded by doubts as I stare at the title at the top of this blog. Literally, my heart rate is increasing and I am afraid that I will be making a mistake in outing myself on my web site. I am more than aware that my blog feeds directly into my professional web site as a Psychotherapist, and I am beginning to fear this may affect my future client base. The simple choice of who I married runs deeply through the veins of haters in this world who would wish to see me, and others like me, dead.

This constant concern and doubt is part of what has become my reality; however, I can no longer feel comfortable with my own silence. I must stand up and find my courageous skin, colored with my own identity, so that I may help put a face to our community and reduce the stigma associated with being gay. If I cannot stand up and be counted, I am part of the problem.

Keeping silent is no longer an option for me.  I am compelled to do my part. 

As those close to me know, I just finished riding in the AIDS/LifeCycle ride last week. In this ride, we cyclists travel from SFO to LA in 545 miles of hard-core road biking as a fundraising effort to end AIDS. There were 2500 of us this year. I was riding alongside a gathering of people who came together from all different backgrounds, sexual orientations, and cultures to form a community of shared hope and love. At around mile 180, I saw a car riding up towards us from across the street. As I put my finger on my bike bell to honor them honking in support of us (which was most of the people we came across), I noticed that a 20ish year old girl was hanging out the passenger side of the car flipping all of us riders off with her middle finger. Her face was transformed through ugliness into a grimace of passionate hatred.

Why so much hatred?

I have considered this deeply as I have had the experience of automatic privilege that comes from marrying a man. I have then had to understand the consequences of choosing to marry a woman instead.

I have decided it all comes down to my bedroom. Frankly, it comes down to my sex life. The reality is, I could be a woman who decides to buy a home with another woman, raise my kids with her, travel with her and share my life with her. These things are acceptable in society as they can be written off as two friends who couldn’t find a husband, sharing life challenges together as companions who love each other. I even think there is a term for it: Spinsters.

All is socially acceptable until those two women actually have sex together. Once sex is involved, all bets are off and people who you have never met in your life instantly hate you and are disgusted by you. Really? How did sex get so important? I mean, it’s definitely fun and all, but worthy of death? I don’t know about you, but it seems a bit extreme to me.

Why is anyone but me even interested in what goes on in the privacy of my bedroom? No one seemed to care about my sex life when it was with the men I had messed around with…I would go so far as to say that no one even considered my sex life at all before I married a woman. But let me tell you, the minute I reached out in public and held my wife’s hand, it became one of the first thoughts that now crosses people’s minds when they look at us. You should see some of the expressions that I watch happen as people realize what they are seeing and it dawns on them that they are looking at REAL LIFE LESBIANS!

“EEEEK, run for your life, hide your children, wash your hands”…. Surely it must be contagious.

The idea that we want to convert straight people or have sex with anyone we can find because we are desperate and crazed sex maniacs is ridiculous. Heard the one about goats? Seriously? This is as far from the truth as is possible, and yet is also somehow what drives so much fear into the minds of homophobic people.

So I want to make this really clear and simple. Here is my answer:

Why did I marry a woman?

I married a woman because I fell madly in love with her in the sweetest possible way. It was unexpected, beautiful, and the stuff love stories are made of. I married a woman who was the first person in my life that had my back, made me feel safe, and loved me completely for exactly the person I am. Isn’t this the reason people marry each other?

Here is my secret to tell: It didn’t matter that she didn’t have a penis. …….shhh, don’t tell anyone else.

I am not over simplifying it; I married a woman because I found my person in this world and she happened to be a girl. It wasn’t more complicated than that. I was lucky enough to see beyond gender, and allow myself to be completely loved by another human being for the first time in my life.

Love is beyond gender or anatomy. Love transcends.

Our marriage is probably like many of yours. We go to the grocery store, do dishes, travel and run a business together. We raise kids (who are amazing, thank you), pay bills and have pets. We are not the crazy lesbian cat people, but are coming close with 3 rescue cats. We are everyday people. We are your neighbors, we teach your kids PE, and watch TV. We may not have to argue over who puts the lid down on the toilet, but maybe battle a bit more over who used the last tampon. Really, it’s not anything out of the ordinary. She likes to cook; I like to bake. Differences we have learned to manage.

In all seriousness though, the isolating variable in our lives, is that people all over the world hate us who don’t even know us. You can not imagine how vulnerable a feeling that is.

Orlando happened to all of us. Horrific violence can be as simple as the girl who hung out the window during my AIDS ride last week pulling out a semi-automatic weapon and firing on us during our ride. It is unimaginable, unbelievable perhaps, and yet it is happening right now at this very moment in our world.

I don’t need you to want my lifestyle for your own; although, I do hope you have a marriage that is based in the same fundamental truths as mine. I hope you are as supported, safe and loved as I am by my wife. I wish that on everyone. I believe if everyone was as cared about and loved as we are in our marriage, that there would be no place for hatred.

My hope for our world is tolerance. I am willing to end my silence to further this aim.

wife photo

The Author

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jeffrey Liakos
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 11:16:16

    Personally, even though I am not into the gay lifestyle, I am in favor of the right of people who are to be married. Love is love. Do I feel inclined toward that lifestyle personally? No. Am I inclined to use the force of law to dictate who can be married to who? Absolutely not. On http://www.youtube.com, some people come out as being part of the LGBT community. Good for them.

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  2. puggymug
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 11:33:59

    Stacey, I love you beyond all measure.

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  3. Jeffrey Liakos
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 11:52:35

    Stacey Neil, I believe everyone should have the right to marry who ever they want. Be the couple a heterosexual couple or a gay couple. Puggymug, on the issue of same sex marriage, I believe it should be legal.

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  4. Linnea Butler
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 12:59:06

    Outstanding!!!!!

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  5. Janet cordia
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 14:54:48

    Hi Stacey, I’m so sorry that anything negitive happens to you or Laura. You both were put together in a super natural way, I believe this because I felt your love and caring support. I look up to both of you. Thank god you are on this earth just the way you are. Your both awesome. It’s so so sad that some people can’t look deeper. What really pisses me off is when they believe this hate in the name of God! Insane! Anyway, I just luv ya both!!! This is Janet cordia. An x patient of yours.

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  6. Debbie McAllister
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 16:58:26

    Bravo Stacey!!! You continue to inspire me with your courage to share 💕

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  7. Lydia Kleit
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 23:26:15

    Thank you Stacey for sharing. I have too many important people in my life who just happen to fall in love with someone of the same gender and things like the shooting in Orlando remind me I need to fight this hate as much as any of them. You are being very brave. I have given little thought to open displays of affection of my friends but I realize now that even the slightest hand held, peck on the cheek or even the fondling of another’s hair could spark so much anger in those who choose hate. Blessings.

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  8. Chris Jacobson
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 23:49:57

    Thanks you for saying what you have to said. I am speechless with sadness, and so tired of this Christian or Muslim or whatever religious (so-called) hatred. Why people would even care about our sex lives is a mystery, and a clue to their misery. They use their religion as a weapon against everyone who doesn’t conform to their narrowness, and their self-imposed limitations. Only very frustrated and confused people (like this Orlando killer) would have the time and energy to hate people they don’t even know. I suspect the killer was conflicted about his own sexual identity, and therefore needed to hurt people who had found their own happiness in places where he could not allow himself to go. I can’t get out of my mind how young most of these kids were, and how they were gunned down in the one place where they felt safe, and truly free to be themselves. One man, two guns, and 50 happy, celebrating people dead.

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  9. Jeffrey Liakos
    Jun 15, 2016 @ 09:36:44

    Chris Jacobson, Lydia Kleit and Debbie McAllister, people should be able to love whoever they want, be they a heterosexual couple or a gay couple. On the website http://www.youtube.com, some gay people tell the stories as to why they are the way they are. People’s ignorance in this regard is sad. Why the LGBT community faces the persecution that they do given the fact that they have never done anything bad to anybody insofar as I know, why they are persecuted because they are different, makes no sense. If I knew somebody who was gay personally, I would not care that they are involved romantically with a member of the same sex.

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  10. dodi benaron
    Jun 15, 2016 @ 17:14:15

    Beautiful Stacey……..really beautifully said.

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  11. Theresa Hogg
    Jun 17, 2016 @ 13:32:46

    Thanks, I do not know you but by your words I do.

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  12. Pauline Hall
    Nov 05, 2016 @ 13:02:41

    Feeling very guilty that this came into my mailbox so long ago and I am only now reading your message your story. Thank you for speaking out for love as you said it makes no difference sexuality preference religion it is about true love feeling comfortable in your own skin trusting loving sharing so happy for you to find that person that you feel 100% happy with. It is so important to not allow others to dictate who we are , who we fall in love with thank you so much for sharing. I have friends that have fallen in love with the same gender male and female I do not think any less of them for the love that they feel I still cherish love and feel the same about each and everyone of my friends.

    Kind regards Pauline hall

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  13. Jeffrey Liakos
    Nov 09, 2016 @ 11:05:42

    If one person does not wish to marry another person of the same sex, they should not do it. Besides, gay and lesbian people are born that way. Since we are all God’s creation, since no mistakes are made regarding how people are born, why do some people make an issue out of same sex marriage if it does not affect them?

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  14. Rossana Rivellini
    Nov 12, 2017 @ 12:32:00

    Some say that being gay is not a choice, I say so what if it is? and I choose that?
    I’m at the point in my life that thankfully I have learned that I am going to live the life that I want, I will love who I want to love, and I will express my love however, and wherever I think is appropriate. Whether I’m gay or straight this is my life and if someone has a problem with it, they should ask themselves ..am I really jealous? do I wish I could be in that position to love whoever I want in spite of other people’s judgement?
    Life is short and there are many people out there who will be in your corner. Surround yourself with those people…now that’s a choice!

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